Once Upon A Time
by DefineNormalitee
Summary: What happens when, one boring night... the characters from LOTR and IC randomly meet? Pure crack. I love this, so I hope you guys do too!
1. Once upon a boring time

**AN: I hope no one who's reading Drottningu decides to read this, because I know I'm supposed to be working on that... sorry, folks. I want it to be perfect, and perfect it shall be, no matter how long it takes!!**

**This is dedicated to two people: Becky, and Undercooked. Emjoy!**

**R and R, if you haven't died of boredom by the end! **

Once upon a time (at eleven pm, when she was supposed to be doing coursework, to be exact) the rather brilliant authoress got bored. So, with a magical tap on her keyboard, suddenly the world was no longer as it should be: various characters were whisked out of various plotlines, and suddenly Arya, Aragorn, Eragon, Arwen, Orik, Brom (who was magically alive again), Gandalf and Saphira (as well as a rather surprised looking frog) were all dumped violently (as the authoress was feeling rather violent) into a rather generic looking clearing in some rather generic looking woods. It was at this moment that the authoress vowed that in the next paragraph, the word 'rather' would not be used at all due to its over use in this one.

"We're in Ellesmera!" Arya yelled, twirling round in a very Disney-like way. Eragon watched her, drooling.

"No, we're in Rivendell!" Arwen yelled, also beginning to twirl. Aragorn drooled, too. They watched as the two elves span in ever-decreasing circles, trying to outdo the other with their princess-elf-ness. They twirled too much and fell over. The spell over the two very important yet tragically fated men was broken.

"I'm Aragorn," Aragorn said.

"Really?" Eragon grinned like the idiot we all know he secretly is. "My name's Eragon."

"THAT'S NOT HOW YOU SAY IT!" Aragorn sobbed. He stomped into the forest to cry. At that moment, the rather distracted authoress remembered that she had forgotten Frodo, so he randomly popped into existence.

"Hello," he said to Eragon, wiggling his hairy feet. "I'm Frodo. I wasn't important, but now I am, because I randomly got given something powerful and then an old, clever man sent me on a random quest that I don't really understand. And now everyone wants to be my friend."

"Wow!" Eragon said. "That sounds like me. Let's be friends!"

"Best friends," Frodo agreed happily. They skipped off, arm in arm, to make daisy chains.

Across the clearing, Brom and Gandalf were making threatening faces at each other. Then, they simultaneously got out their pipes and tried to blow a bigger smoke ring than the other. Gandalf used magic to make his pink. Brom used magic to make his blue. Gandalf made his green. Saphira, who was fed up of getting ignored, flamed them both. The authoress decided she was being a menace and vanished her out of existence with a tap on her keyboard. In her place, Murtagh and Gollum popped into existence. They eyed each other defensively, crouching.

"Gollum," said Gollum, twitching.

"Murtagh," said Murtagh, also twitching.

"Croak," said the surprised looking frog.

"Gollum."

"Murtagh."

"Croak."

"GOLLUM!"

"MURTAGH!"

"CROAK!"

At this point, Aragorn came out of the forest and decided to sit on Gandalf's withered remains to cry, instead. The ruckus in the clearing now sounded something like this:

"GOLLUM! MURTAGH! CROAK! SOB!"

Orik wandered over to Frodo. "Hullo, I'm Orik," he announced. Frodo looked scared and drew his tiny dagger thing.

"ORK!" He yelled, stabbing Orik in the chest. "ORK! ORK!" Orik began to choke. Eragon just laughed.

"GOLLUM! MURTAGH! CROAK! SOB! ORK! CHOKECHOKECHOKE! HEHEHE!"

Arya and Arwen got up and started singing, trying to impress the boys with their princess-ness.

"Lalala," sang Arya.

"Lololo," sang Arwen.

"GOLLUM! MURTAGH! CROAK! SOB! ORK! CHOKECHOKECHOKE! HEHEHE! LALALA! LOLOLO!"

At this point, the authoress' mother came in and demanded to know why she was not doing her coursework. Thus, the story had to end and the various characters were sent back to their various plotlines.

"How pointless," the reader sighs.

Rather.


	2. Once upon a yet another time

Once upon yet another, boring time, the authoress realised (with a little prompting) that she had neglected her duty as an authoress (not to mention an all round human being) and had forgotten LEGOLAS in the last chapter. Thus, she started a new chapter, in the hope that she could regain her status as a real authoress.

And, so far, she is rather impressed by her under-use of the word 'rather'.

But I digress…

Once upon yet another, boring time, the authoress realised that she had forgotten Legolas in the last chapter. So she decided, with a magical tap on her magical keyboard, to have he, Elrond, Queen Islanzadi and Blodhgarm pop into existence by another very generic place- but not a clearing this time, because if it was the authoress feared her readers would have got bored and abandoned her rather generic story altogether. So this time, she made it a generic looking river- much like the one near Rivendell. Come to think of it, it was also much like the one near Du Wendlevarden- the River Edda. Oh, and the Ramr river. And the River Carnen. And-

"Get on with it!"

_Sorry, sorry…_

The four all blinked, surprised, then settled into a wise, elf-like silence while they tried to look important and elfy. That was, of course, until Islanzadi gave up being elfy and attempted to grab Blodhgarm and put him on a lead.

"I don't think we're in Ellesmera anymore, Blodhgarm!" She pouted. The other three elves stared at her. She cleared her throat loudly and stood up straight, releasing Blodhgarm's- pink- lead. "I am Islanzadi, Queen of the elves," she said in a Queen-like way, sneering at Elrond and Legolas. "Who are you?"

"I am Elrond," Elrond said in his deepest, most important-est voice. "I am a very important elf with a beautiful daughter who NOBODY IS ALLOWED TO TOUCH BUT ME! NOBODY!!!"

"Um, yes," Islanzadi said, wiping spittle from her cape. "I am also very important. I can use magic, you know, and I like making random wise statements so people think I'm cool!"

"Ohmigawd! Me tooooo!" Elrond squealed. Everyone stared at him. "I mean… yes. Indeed."

"What a coincidence! I didn't leave my home for over eighty years!" Islanzadi grinned like the insane thing she secretly is. Her eye started twitching. Elrond started to back away- at this, Islanzadi stopped grinning and started to cry, instead. "No! Where are you going? I HAVE NO FRIENDS! COME BACK! Will you be my friend?"

Elrond jumped over the river with his elf-powers. Islanzadi tried to follow, flapping her cape in a pathetic sort of way, but she fell in. Before she could magic her way out, Elrond said something cool in Elvish and a big wave came and swept her away- but not before they heard her yell "I'll be baaaaaaaaaaaacccckkkk…"

They relaxed. "Well-" Legolas started to say, but the Queen- who had only travelled about ten feet by now- piped up again.

"Yes I wiiiiiiiiilllllllllll…"

They sighed and waited for her to go away.

"I'll be baaaaaaaaaacccckkk, I sayyyy-"

"SHUT UP!" All three other elves yelled. Islanzadi narrowed her eyes and let go of the rock she had been holding on to.

"Fine… Rashm-fashm-stupid-Elves..."

And then she was gone. Elrond breathed a breath of relief and started to hop over to the other side of the river- but the authoress decided he had got away too easy and gave Islanzadi the power to stretch her arms until she had him by the ankles, dragging him into the water with the sort of venom only a big… monster thing… can achieve.

"You ran out of adjectives then, didn't you?" Legolas accused, pointing a pointy finger at the authoress.

_Um… no?_

"Yeah, whatever," Blodhgarm chuckled. The authoress indicated the word 'chuckled quite proudly.

_See? SEE? Now, get on with your comparison before I send you back to your various plotlines._

"Fine…"

"Fine…"

Now that their important/wise/rather annoying leaders had gone, the two elves looked at each other with the sort of look only men who want to intimidate each other- the type of look many women try vainly to recreate, and only achieve looking very, very stupid.

But I digress… again…

"I am Legolas, rather brilliant elf with skills in de field-"

_Stop talking like that._

"Sorry. I am Legolas, rather brilliant elf with skills in archery and all round brilliantness."

"YOU FORGOT THE BLONDE HAIR! TELL THEM ABOUT YOUR SHINY BLONDENESS, OH GORGEOUS ONE!" A random fangirl yelled, bursting through the fabric of not-quite reality in an attempt to get a glimpse of the rather gorgeous elf before the (equally gorgeous, although most people don't seem to agree- I suspect they're just jealous…) authoress could stop her. Legolas tried to look annoyed and failed.

_Sorry about that, folks. Carry on. _

"She's right, though," Legolas sighed, flipping his shiny blonde hair. "How can I forget my shiny blonde hair? Would you like to smell it? No- no, you can't- NO! DON'T TOUCH THE HAIR!"

"Sorry, sorry!" Blodhgarm yelped, pulling his hand away rapidly. "It's just so shiny…" He blinked rapidly, shaking his head. "I'm free from your hair's shiny spell!!" He had a little dance while Legolas sulked and brushed his hair. "Anyway, why does anyone want blonde hair- or even hair at all? Being brown and furry is SO much better!"

"Yuck!" Legolas squirmed. "That's horrible! Don't you get furrballs?"

"Um… no…" Blodhgarm insisted.

"Ew," concluded his elfy friend. "If only we had a conveniently appearing village girl to tell us which is better…"

"If only…" Blodhgarm agreed. Both of them looked meaningfully at the authoress, who was currently twiddling her thumbs.

_Huh? Oh, yeah… sorry, hang on…_

POOF! A conveniently appearing village girl conveniently appeared.

"Wow! What a coincidence!" Blodhgarm beamed. "Now, conveniently appearing village girl, tell us… which of us is prettier?"

The conveniently appearing village girl (who is from know to be known as CAVG, to save time) looked from one elf to the other, wide eyed and bushy tailed- well, she didn't have a tail, but her hair was quite bushy. Anywho…

She was enticed by Legolas' shiny hair, but also by Blodhgarm's sexy smell. Taking one step towards Legolas, the smell tapped her on the shoulder and she turned towards Blodhgarm… Legolas' hair did a sexy dance, so she stepped towards him again… She sat down on the ground and started to cry. "I can't!" she sobbed. "They're too SEXY and ENTICING!"

The authoress decided that the squealing, squeaking noises the CAVG was making was rather annoying, so POOF! She was gone.

"Well then…" Legolas sighed.

"Yeah…"

They stood in manly silence for a few moments, swinging their arms as men do. Then Legolas suggested, "Pub?"

Blodhgarm glanced at his watch- which was a pointless thing to do, as watches hadn't been invented yet- and nodded. "Pub."

And so they ambled off to the nearest pub- which was also quite pointless, as pubs were not invented either (I think they meant 'Inn', ladies and gents)- and left the authoress alone to survey her work.

She looked at her work, and saw that it was good. And so she hurried off to join the elfy men in the hope that they would take pity on her and buy her a pint, too.

**LE END**

…**or is it?**


End file.
